Dear Best Friend,

I met an Angel today. Or maybe he was a spirit guide.

All day yesterday I was plagued by a terrible headache right in the middle of my forehead. This morning when I woke up to go to class, it was a bit of an internal battle to shift my perspective from I can’t do this to, “Look at that beautiful blue sky, I can do this.” I did it. I got myself out of bed and got ready and went.

Halfway through class I could feel the anxiety creeping closer. It started off with me feeling utterly exhausted. It was an effort to pay attention to the lesson and keep myself present.

After our coffee break where I had a delicious Brioche, I went back to class feeling a little better. 30 mins into the lesson however, my heart started to pump a little harder. I could feel it amping up and starting to beat in my ears.

“No No..not now. Not here. Breathe” I told myself.

I focused on breathing and on each word that was in front of me. Verbs, infinitives and prepositions. It made sense and yet was a bit of a blur. Thank goodness the hour flew by and just as I could feel my blood begin to boil, class was over.

I said goodbye to everyone and quickly walked out of class. The air was fresh today with the promise of rain. I took a few deep slow breaths. I knew I was fighting off a panic attack.

It was a strange feeling, as if I was in my body and also not. I could almost tangibly feel the emotions bubbling within to the rhythm of my heartbeats. I could see the thoughts flying past the eye of my mind and there I stood at the street corner waiting to cross to the other side to catch my tram home.

I missed the first tram by a mere second and so I stood there, focusing on my breathing and doing my best to weather the storm that was threatening to unfurl within me. It was working. Another tram rolled up and I got in.

In the tram, I tried to work through my feelings by writing a note (journaling of sorts). It helped me feel less frazzled but then the lethargy started acting up again. I was lost in my mind trying to find some ground.

On one of the stops, I remember a big man coming in and sitting opposite me. I didn’t quite register what he looked like in the haze of my state of being at first.

I flipped my backpack around and hugged it, needing to feel a sense of security as I looked out the window. Thoughts were just zipping past my heavy body.

Suddenly I heard a deep voice saying “Everything will be okay.”

It was as if I was zip-lined back to reality for a moment, except I thought that I had hallucinated hearing those words. It took me a second to process and then i looked up and into his eyes. His big bearded face was kind and he nodded at me, “It will be okay” he repeated energetically.

My lips started quivering as I nodded back. ‘Thank you’, I mouthed.

The flurry of emotions that were stuck in the corners of my being surged forth and all I could do was breathe to stop the flood of tears as I got off at my stop with my lips quivering. I turned back to look at him and say thank you as I got off. He nodded at me with such compassion and gave me a small smile.

When I got home I sat on the floor and cried my heart out. I will forever be grateful for that little act of kindness that helped me not drown. I think I met a guardian angel. Or maybe he was a spirit guide.

I don’t know where my path is leading me to right now, but I do know that I am doing my best to navigate healing from a toxic relationship whilst learning who I am and expressing my truth. It will take time and a deep compassion. But I need to trust in the Divine and in the power I hold within.

I am capable. I am safe. I am loved. I am protected.
I am healing so that I may in turn help others heal.

Everything will be okay.

Much Love,
Maya